I wrestled with the decision to launch a blog for quite a long time. I was plagued with self-doubt, unsure of my ability to keep one more thing on top of everything else that I do on a daily basis. In fact, this is not the very first blog I created. When blogging was the new craze, I joined hundreds of people who wrote about their everyday lives and posted their cat videos on the internet thinking they could somehow change the world…except that I didn’t (and won’t ever) have a cat, plus I’m not particularly fond of animals. I just sent my thoughts out into the world.
After a year of trying out blogging, I decided to take down my blog and stopped writing altogether. I had nothing good to share and felt overwhelmed by so many things. I didn’t pick up writing again until I moved to California. Yet once more I found myself unable to capture my thoughts. Words escaped me. My on-again and off-again relationship with blogging might tell you that I lack follow-through and you’re not wrong about that. I didn’t have guidance either. I’m a busy person with a husband to love and care for, a day job to attend to, a home to manage, a workout schedule to follow and books to read. Not sure where I could squeeze in time to blog but I tried. I really tried. I’m learning now that these are “excuses” – if someone really wanted to blog, they would.
During the 2020 pandemic lockdown, I thought about blogging again but I felt unsure because it seemed so different. I couldn’t keep up with the modern bloggers and all the technical stuff that people do to their websites. Could I really pull this off? I’m not exactly a writing pro. Do I really want people to read my blog? Why would I give them the opportunity to judge and scrutinize me and my posts online? Plus a whole bunch of pesky questions and self-doubt kept bugging me. Yes, I’m famous for listening to my monkey brain and reinforcing its nasty power to discourage. So I hesitated and buried my words out of fear of people’s judgment. Then I remembered what a wise woman once said – “Don’t worry about what others think, it’s none of your business.” (Thank you, Mia!)
Every now and then I go back to that advice to help me focus. The reason I’m blogging now is simple: I want to come home to myself by way of writing. I feel like I’ve neglected this part of me for so long. It would be sad to look back at my life and regret that I kept all these thoughts in the basement. I think it’s time to unbox some stories and lay them out nicely to remind me of moments that mattered. A few months ago I was watching a stand up comedy show on Netflix and this comedienne said blogs are conversations no one wanted to have with you. Great, because I have mastered the art of talking to myself! I’m an introvert, not exactly a people-person. Small talk is not my cup of tea. So yeah, hooray for blogs where introverts can chat with themselves and pretend it’s a riveting conversation!
I used to beat myself up over my inability to whip up blog content quickly but I learned to make peace with my own rhythm. I’m a slow writer. What’s the rush, anyway? This is not a race and I’m not competing with anyone. I write with the desire to release my words, to get unstuck, to make sense of my life and who knows? Maybe help someone who’s on a similar journey – even if they don’t want to have a conversation with me 🙂
Today I’m turning the lights on in my new digital home and rolling in the virtual furniture to create my own sanctuary. It’s going to take some time to settle in and I need to give myself a lot of space to do that. As I settle in and test things out, there’s no pressure on anyone to join me in this adventure – and I mean well when I say that. It’s a personal choice if people want to follow along or leave a comment. Just like any other move to a new home, things may feel awkward initially before they improve. I’ll give myself the grace of being a newbie all over again, take the time to adjust, and find joy in the process as I go along.
And now I’m going sit in my favorite corner and pat myself on the back for conquering the blank page and blinking cursor. Cheers to me, an introvert who’s dipping my toes in the online realm and breaking out of my shell!